Three questions to ask yourself as you set healthy boundaries.
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Most people think about boundaries as a way to get others to change or shift. But the truth is, boundaries start within. While healthy boundaries help us improve our relationships with others, we have to turn our attention inward before expecting any external changes. Here are three important questions to ask, to help you create more boundaries.
What are my values?
Whether we are conscious of it are not, our values are our internal compass. Take a moment to reflect on a few of your core values. You will notice that most decisions that you make in your life come back to those core values. Should I go to that party? If you value connection, that will likely influence your choice to go. However, if you are exhausted and you value wellness you may choose to opt out in favor of getting rest. Here's the tricky part though, what if you value both, and you feel torn? This is where mindfulness comes in - you will likely notice some friction. If you find yourself always saying yes to the social commitment and disregarding the need to honor your own value of wellness, you'll start to feel discontent or frustration. Learning to set a healthy boundary could look like this - "I'd love to come, but I need to ensure I am feeling up to it. I will let you know."
What is the story I am telling myself?
You imagine this situation, and something about it just doesn't sit right with you. Why is that? Perhaps there is a story coming up. Often times we have talk tracks in our own mind that are just below the subconscious. Studies say we are operating from our unconscious and subconscious patterns 90% of the time. Again, if you take a moment and go inward, you may notice the talk track sounds something like this... 'If I don't go, I am letting Brittney down." or "They are going to think I am a flake." The truth is, this is a story that has been created based on other beliefs, experiences, and interpretations, but that doesn't make it true. After noticing the story you can also ask - "Is this fact, or is this feeling?" (Full credit to the Jay Shetty Certification School for that powerful question). Once you explore that, you can also decide how you want to navigate it.
By saying no to this, what am I actually saying yes to?
My clients absolutely love this question. Hell, I love asking MYSELF that question. It really puts things into perspective. I am not saying no just for the sake of saying no. By saying no to this particular social engagement, I am saying YES to me - to recharge, to rest, to honoring what I actually need more in this moment. As I reflect on my values, I can feel content that I made the right choice.
Of course boundary setting is not always this simple. It's also not about ALWAYS saying no. There is a such thing as having boundaries that are too rigid. And what happens when the people around you don't understand the boundaries you set?
We are diving into a very rich and honest discussion about boundaries. Join us in person or virtually to contribute your thoughts, or to develop some new strategies. I hope to see you there!
Namaste…
Tian
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