We often think of having boundaries, as simply being able to say no. But what if I told you - there's so much more to it than that? Let's get a little more specific and talk about having HEALTHY boundaries.
ICYMI: Be sure to check out our first post: Creating Space for Healthy Boundaries. Today, we are going even deeper.
When is the last time you said "no" without feeling a pang of guilt? How often do you say "yes" to YOU? Are you comfortable asking for help? Building meaningful relationships? Prioritizing time for what matters most in your own life?
Boundaries, redefined...
Often times, the idea of setting boundaries causes an immediate reaction. For some, it's an aversion - "setting boundaries is selfish" or "I can't do that, people rely on me!" For others, it's a craving - "oh if only I could!" or "I wish I knew how!" It's also common to assume that setting boundaries is about controlling others. But that's just not true. I absolutely LOVE this definition as provided by therapistaid.com. "Personal boundaries are the rules and limits we set for OURSELVES within relationships." That's right, boundaries are about the choices and decisions that WE make in order to operate in relationship with ourselves, and with others. They provide guidance for what we will and will not allow, not necessarily what others will or will not do.
What does that even mean?!
When we have healthy boundaries, we are able to say "no" to things that compromise our values, time, priorities, and well-being. But we are also able to say "yes" to things that fuel, support, empower, and align with who we are and what we need to thrive. Boundaries can be physical, like a need for personal space, mental, like limiting exposure to negative or draining conversations, and emotional, like taking on the weight of someone else's negative energy or stress - Hello Empaths!!
Boundaries can protect our time, ensuring that we actually create space for our own needs. Here are a few common signs of neglected boundaries:
feeling overwhelmed or resentful
lack of time for yourself / or doubting that it is even an option
difficulty saying "no" without guilt
“Boundaries are not the opposite of compassion, empathy, or understanding; they are what allow us to fully and wholly embody them.” Lisa Olivera
I LOVE This! How Do I Start?!
Setting healthy boundaries aren't as daunting as it can sometimes feel. Here are a few tips to help you get started.
Do a life audit - Think of all the areas of your life that matter to you: Family, Health, Relationships, Career, Finances, Personal Growth, Social & Recreation, Physical Environment. Where are you currently thriving? Which area of life feels a bit neglected, overlooked, or unsupported? This gives you some insight on WHAT.
List your top 3-5 values. This can be anything from connection, humor, security, growth, wellness, faith, leadership, and beyond. This gives you some insight on WHY.
Now ask yourself: What is one thing I want to reclaim for myself?
Now think of one circumstance or challenge that is currently getting in the way of having that thing.
Now fill in this sentence: By saying no to _____ , I am saying yes to _________.
Spend some time brainstorming HOW you can communicate this boundary to yourself and to others. It may sound something like "I really value my mental health, so I will be limiting my social media interactions to 15 minutes during my lunch hour." or "I am not interested in discussing _______ , I am prioritizing my peace. However, if you want to talk about ___ , I am all ears!"
Remember that area of life where you feel like you are thriving? You likely already have some healthy boundaries in place. Consider what is working well, and how you can carry those same practices over to a new area.
Resources:
Use this free guide to build your Boundary Blueprint.
Remember that setting and honoring your boundaries takes awareness, commitment, and practice. You got this!!
Namaste,
Team LSF
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