Creating Space to Hold Vision, Not Attachment

Leading With VOICCE® Series.

What happens when you get too attached to vision?

Recently, what almost became a real moment of conflict between my husband and me actually turned into a pretty unconventional date night, in which there were no losers - we both walked away happy.

Weeks ago, we'd made plans to see the live-action Moana movie together. Our whole family knows I am OBSESSED with Moana. The challenge was that schedules were busy, and by the time the weekend came for us to see Moana, Spider-Man had just come out too.

"Soooo you know Spider-Man came out today." This is how my husband chose to broach the subject. I already knew where he was going with it. "And?" I wanted to say. But I didn't because, trust me, it would've come with a lot of attitude. Instead, I kept my face and voice neutral and said, "Ok, whatcha thinking?"

At this point, it's clear to me that he wants to see Spider-Man instead, and I still want to see Moana. I mean - we both love both movies, so why can't we stick to the original plan? But I took a beat. In that moment of pause, I realized that he was really hopeful about seeing Spider-Man - as hopeful as I was about seeing Moana. So for him, the circumstances had changed.

For me, it was bigger than the movie choice; it was about changing the plans on me at the last minute. And no matter how small it seems, situations like that can really spark emotional reactions. Especially when you tend to be attached to a specific vision or outcome. I told him to let me think about it and come back after I had some time to decide what I wanted to do.

In the end, we decided we would go to the movies together. We would see the movie we EACH wanted to see, and then perhaps see the other person's movie at a later date. And that's exactly what we did. My movie started at 3:05. His movie started at 3:00. He purchased our tickets. We rode together, and we went our separate ways at the theatre. During the previews, we texted in real time about trailers that we thought the other would want to hear about, and roughly 2ish hours later, we met back up, made our dinner plans, and shared with excitement our respective movie experiences.

When I took that time to myself, a few things became apparent. I was attached to the original vision. I wanted him to stick to the plan. But that wasn't what actually mattered most. What mattered most was that I didn't compromise to the point of just settling for what he wanted, and that I didn't coerce him into doing what I wanted. And at the end of the day, we still got to do something together - although unconventional.

That's the thing about vision - it anchors you to what actually matters, not to one specific version of how you get there. For us, seeing the same movie at the same time felt like the vision, but it was actually just a plan. And once we had new information about what the weekend actually looked like, it forced us to step back and clarify that vision further. For us, the true vision became: do something together we both enjoy. If our true vision had been three uninterrupted hours together, this wouldn't have worked. We'd have needed a different solution or better compromise. But it wasn't, so it did.

Vision becomes risky the moment we mistake the plan for the vision itself. Sometimes we tie ourselves to one acceptable path and allow it to become the whole point. Self-awareness is what lets you catch that in the moment: what is this really about? And many times, the answer isn't that the vision changed. It's that something - new information, a shifted circumstance, or someone else's input - has asked the plan to adapt, causing us to feel caught off guard or resistant to change.

What's the solution? It's coming back to the real question: "What matters most in this moment?"

I've seen the same thing happen multiple times in my professional career. A product that is not performing, no matter how many promotional dollars are thrown at it. An initiative that does not have the proper infrastructure to succeed, and rather than adapting the plan, an attachment to the outcome says, "we have to keep pushing until we make it work."

There are usually external signals asking us to revisit, adapt, or pivot - but those aren't the ones that get ignored. The ones that often get ignored are the ones that come from within. "What will they think if we stop now?" or "How will it look if we admit this isn't working?"

How much would change if we took time to come back to the original vision, and to remember that vision is not the end-all-be-all, but rather an anchor back to what matters most?

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Tian Philson - Leadership Transformation & Decision-Making Coach | Creator of the VOICCE® Decision Making & Empowerment Framework | Helping leaders go inward so they can go upward.