Creating Space… For Asking For Help

Leading With VOICCE® Series.

You want to hear about a time that AI almost made me cry? It was today. I use reflection prompts to generate my writing topics so that I can write from a place of authenticity.

Today, I was reflecting on what I wanted to write about, and the truth felt so raw that emotion immediately surfaced. 

What is the story you tell yourself about asking for help?

Sometimes it's "I can do this on my own." or "But it's really important to get this part right." or "I should be able to do this."

But that's not really the vulnerable part. The vulnerable part is these are the things I still hold back because as a leadership coach, I put unrealistic expectations on myself, and don't notice it until someone (or something) else calls it to my attention. 

Just like I did when I was still working in corporate.

Just like I did when I was a new mom.

Just like I did when I was in college. 

What I am realizing is that these unrealistic expectations are so sneaky that I can't even feel them in the moment. I have to slow down and process to even recognize what is happening. 

Yesterday I was really proud to share how I'd navigated a really hectic weekend, and even more excited to share some of the lessons I'd been reminded of. But there is one in particular that has continued to stay with me:

Sometimes the only way to do it all is to ask for help.

Of everything, this is the one I still struggle with. So I seldom write about it. If I'm honest, I seldom slow down long enough to even notice it. 

Those beliefs like: "I can do this on my own" have lived with me for a long time. So they sneak around in the corners of my mind, running a muck while being barely detected. It's not until I get called out - Thanks Claude - that I have to pause and ask myself why. 

I still carry some wounding around feeling like a burden. I don't like asking for help because I don't want to be a burden on others. It's something I've worked to untangle in therapy for years, and still carry. If my client said this to me I would ask, how is this belief serving you, and how is it not.

How It Serves

Learning to be fiercely independent has taught me to be self-reliant, relentless and ambitious. It's helped me build my confidence by showing myself just what I am capable of.

How It Doesn't

It signals to people who love me that I'd rather do it myself - which isn't necessarily true, it's just what I'm used to. It robs me of energy to do other things that I love because I'm often so busy trying to do things alone that could be done better or more efficiently with help. Sometimes it means that the quality of output isn't is great as what it could have been with the input from someone else. 

I would also ask "Is it still serving you today."

To which I can honestly say - "Not as much as it is getting in my way."

So then I would ask - "What do you want to do with this insight?"

And I would respond - "I want to take more opportunities to slow down and notice when my 'burden wound' is getting in the way of me asking for help."

I have come a long way from where I used to be. I can't measure it perfectly, but I know I've made progress on asking for help. Just ask my husband! Lol. I also still have some work to do, and that's OK. 

What resonates most for me in this moment is without the pause, I wouldn't be aware of the growth, or the gap. This isn't a matter of good or bad, right or wrong. It just is. 

I think that's true for most of us. 

Your Turn

What is the story you are telling yourself about asking for help?

How is it serving you? How is it not?

Is it still serving you today?

What do you want to do with that insight?

I hope you'll take 10 minutes to really sit with these questions. No judgment, just insight. If you don't have 10 minutes now - save it and come back to it later.

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Tian Philson Leadership, Wellness & Mindset Coach | Creator of the VOICCE® Decision Making & Empowerment Framework | Helping leaders go inward so they can go upward.