Creating Space… For Trust: Is It Nature or Nurture in Leadership?

Leading With VOICCE® Series.

Trust is such an important aspect of how we lead. It shows up in every aspect of our professional journey. We often think of trust as an external experience. "Can I trust in the vision of my organization as I strive to meet objectives?" Or - " Am I putting my full trust in my team as we carry out the plans that we have created together?" 

For too long, I operated from this external experience - "Can I trust others, and can I ensure that others trust me?" 

Over the last 10-15 years, I've started asking a more important question - 

"How much do I trust myself?"

This has been a really powerful lesson for me. At the risk of going a little too personal, my lack of trust was most evident in how I approached personal relationships, especially in romantic relationships. What initially started as an inability to trust others (sometimes for good reason, but I digress) ultimately became an inability to trust myself. "If I got it wrong before, how can I trust my own judgement now?" 

Over time, I no longer believed in my own ability to make decisions. This wasn't just apparent in my dating life, but it spilled over into how I showed up as a parent, and certainly as a professional. That uncertainty isn't just unsettling; it can be completely paralyzing. 

It wasn't until I did some true inner work - both in therapy and in coaching that things started to shift significantly. I can now look back with a fresh perspective and understand the bigger role that trust, or a lack thereof, played in my role as a leader, even if I didn't realize it at the time.

So it made me step back and ask - "Where is trust built? Is it nature or is it nurture?"

For the longest time, I argued that the difficulties that I found with trust were simply a part of my nature. "This is just who I am. I'm just not the kind of person who trusts easily."

I can remember being a little pensive as a kid, having reservations, not always sure of myself, and not always sure of the intentions of those around me. I was pretty timid, reserved, and shy. So for me, surely the answer was nature. My hesitation to just leap in with both feet has to be nature. 'I've always been this way.'

But the more that I think about how that journey has unfolded, especially over the last 10 to 15 years, I'm starting to realize that nurture has played a much bigger part. 

I've done some intentional reflection - What are some of the beliefs that I developed when I was much younger? And how did they shape my trust in myself and those in the environment around me? Even if genetics or internal wiring have been part of my earlier influences around trust, how have things evolved for me as an adult?

Here's what the last 10-15 years of observation have taught me: If I release the idea that this is just who I am, i.e., nature, and I start to observe how I've continued to evolve, i.e., nurture, I can see that I've been very intentional about nurturing a trusting relationship with myself.

In doing so, my ability to trust others has grown exponentially. I've seen that evidence in my personal relationships and in how I make decisions. With intentional effort, I have been able to shift how I lead others through challenging situations. Here are three of the biggest factors that have supported this evolution.

1) Slowing Down: In slowing down, I have noticed what assumptions I am making and what beliefs I am carrying into situations. I have learned to ask a powerful question: "How is this serving how I want to show up as a leader?"

2) Giving Grace: I've been a tough critic - mostly of myself. What I've also learned is that as I've judged myself harshly, I've also judged others the same way. However, in learning to create space for imperfection, I've taken some of the pressure off myself and shifted my expectation of others in the process. Sure, quality and integrity are critical, but perfection is simply unattainable. 

3) Embrace the Pivot: By accepting a degree of imperfection, I've also learned to make new decisions as the process unfolds. I've learned that we can, and will, often need to pivot. I've learned that as long as we make the best decisions that we can in the moment, we can also allow space to make a new decision. What a relief!

So, I can't say for sure whether trust is first established by nature or by nurture. However, I can tell you that I've got a lot more control over nurturing my ability to trust, than on relying on nature to make it feasible

With so much uncertainty around us, I'm a big proponent of focusing on the things I can control. Building trust in myself and how I engage with others, is certainly one of them. 

How can trust play a bigger role in how you lead?

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I am grateful for your presence and excited to continue this journey of Leading with VOICCE® with you!

With gratitude, Tian.