top of page
Search

Creating Space… To Feel Again

Leading With VOICCE® Series.


I remember early on when I started my career, the "sage advice" at the time was to "leave your personal life at the door". Something about this always felt a bit off for me. No matter how professional we are, we are human, and the experiences that shape us, the stress that we carry, and the emotions within us are with us everywhere we go. 


Sure, one could argue that it's necessary to compartmentalize, to create a divide, or momentary separation, but it's a band-aid, and an untrustworthy one at that. Try leaving your personal life at the door when your phone rings and you don't know if your child's school is currently facing a lockdown drill due to a threat of violence. Imagine being able to compartmentalize when your baby sister just learned of her third miscarriage. How strong is that moment of separation when last night's argument with your spouse is still looming, and a co-worker's tone lands with just enough edge to transform you back to the feeling of hopelessness or shame you felt the night before?


I wrote this article a year ago, and it's still as true - if not more urgent - today. 


Creating Space ... To Feel



Photo by Louis Galvez on Unsplash


Sometimes we try to suppress our emotions, or we allow them to take the wheel altogether. What if there is another approach?


Emotion Regulation 


This is a loaded term, but a critical one. We are all living a human experience. Which means we ALL experience emotions. I don’t necessarily think that there’s such a thing as negative emotions. But I do believe we can have unhealthy responses to some emotions that are more difficult to navigate. Perhaps we feel angry, and we lash out at the person who hurt us, only to later regret something we said or did. Or perhaps we feel embarrassed by a mistake we made, and then spend the rest of the day beating ourselves up. 


The APA (American Psychological Association) defines Emotion Regulation as the ability of an individual to modulate an emotion or set of emotions. I prefer this definition, which uses the word “modulate” over another common definition that uses the word “control”. I’m a word nerd, so bear with me for a second. Modulate is defined as “to exert a controlling or modifying influence on”. Imagine the experience of trying to control something that feels completely overwhelming vs. approaching it with the ability to modify or influence it.


I believe that when we can learn to embrace our full spectrum of emotions, even the difficult ones, we also open ourselves up to curiosity. From there, we can build tools to modify or influence how we feel, enabling us to create healthier responses.


Emotions - Name it to tame it…


Dr. Daniel Siegel, psychologist, writer, and professor, first identified this technique - Name it to Tame It. As you identify (name) the big emotion as it is coming in, it has the ability to reduce (tame) the stress and anxiety associated with experiencing that emotion. 


The supporting research shows that when we activate our prefrontal cortex - the logical portion of the brain, it helps us regulate the limbic system - the portion responsible for the fight or flight response. Simply acknowledging our emotions has the power to diffuse the intensity with which we feel them. 


Think of the last time something you were really looking forward to didn’t go as planned. Have you ever been able to say, “I know this is going to be OK, I’m just feeling really disappointed right now,” and through that acknowledgment, you can feel your emotions shift, even if just a bit? Or do you recall the last time you had a big disagreement with a loved one? Have you ever compared the feeling of holding your emotions in (hoping they go away on their own) vs. addressing it calmly and saying - “I felt really dismissed when you made xyz comment”? 


Try it the next time you are in a moment of feeling a strong emotion.


Level up your language.


I absolutely love this Feelings Wheel from Calm, created by Dr, Gloria Willcox. The innermost section starts with our primary emotions - those that are often easiest to name: Angry, Happy, Sad, etc. Once identified, our primary emotions help us process and specify by building out secondary and tertiary emotions as well. 


While many more emotions may be applicable, or even surface differently for you than what is represented below, it’s a great starting point and practice to build.


Imagine that you are in a meeting with a coworker, feeling proud of an idea you presented. Suddenly, the coworker challenges your idea in a harsh and critical way. It is easy to simply acknowledge that you feel angry. However, looking more closely into the range of emotions, you may realize that with others present, the slight not only led to a feeling of humiliation but disrespect as well. 


With this level of awareness, you empower yourself to choose your response- both within and with your coworker if you choose. You may even get curious. What was it about having others present that felt humiliating? Did it touch on a deeper insecurity that you hadn’t yet identified? Is there something more under the surface that needs attention? Either way, you have the power of choice, and being able to get real, and specific about what you are feeling is a powerful tool in your tool belt.


You are NOT your Emotions. 


It seems super subtle, but another powerful language shift we can make is to use “I feel” statements rather than “I am”. 


Again, let’s dig into the language a bit - “I Am” suggests a permanent state of being, whereas “I Feel” acknowledges that what you are experiencing is temporary. Or as I learned by working with my therapist, feelings are fleeting - they come, and they go. Both the ones that feel good and the ones that feel bad. 


Learning to acknowledge their impermanence also empowers us. “I feel overwhelmed right now” vs. “I am overwhelmed” has subtle but distinct differences. One allows you to acknowledge that your circumstances won’t always be this way, while the other suggests a more permanent state of being. 


We have emotions, but we are not our emotions. They are a part of our experience, but they do not define us. Allowing ourselves to disassociate, or at least create a bit of separation from who WE (the Self) identify as, vs what we feel allows us the space to regulate. 


We are humans having an emotional experience, not identifying as that experience. I absolutely love this article from Psychology Today. It offers helpful practices for separating the Self from the thoughts we experience. 


Given that thoughts and emotions are so intertwined, I think it is worth a read. At the end of the day, it comes down to this - you are in the driver’s seat. You. Not your thoughts. Not your emotions. It’s a practice, and it's worth it… Now is our chance to take the wheel.



Resources


Check out the practice below for a grounding meditation. Grounding helps us navigate difficult emotions by bringing our mind back to the present and anchoring to something that allows us to feel steady and supported.




Sending you nothing but love on this journey. Keep going. 


Namaste.


May is Mental Health Awareness month.

Check in with yourself.


Check in with the people you care about.



With gratitude, Tian.

Tian Philson Leadership, Wellness & Mindset Coach | Creator of the VOICCE® Decision Making & Empowerment Framework | Helping leaders go inward so they can go upward.

bottom of page